


the closed yesterday

by closedcaptioning



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Imaginary Friends, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-22 16:35:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21305171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/closedcaptioning/pseuds/closedcaptioning
Summary: Evan knows Connor more deeply than he’s ever known anyone. Connor follows him to school and back home, cracks dark jokes and tries to distract Evan when he’s doing his homework, eats dinner with him on the lonely nights when his mother is working. Connor is Evan’s best friend, and he knows how tragically lame that is -- his best friend is imaginary. But he’s there for him.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	the closed yesterday

It’s impossible to explain to the grief-stricken Murphys that Evan_ does _ know Connor. When he breaks down sobbing in their dining room, all polished glass surfaces and delicate crystal, and admits to every lie and secret he’s kept prisoner inside of the void where his heart used to be, he still cannot bring himself to give away this last piece. 

Evan knows Connor more deeply than he’s ever known anyone. Connor follows him to school and back home, cracks dark jokes and tries to distract Evan when he’s doing his homework, eats dinner with him on the lonely nights when his mother is working. Connor is Evan’s best friend, and he knows how tragically lame that is -- his best friend is imaginary. But he’s there for him.

Even after everything comes crashing down, after Evan has stepped into the sun and been burned so, so badly, even after he realizes that he is not as alone as he always believed -- Jared and Alana and his mom are here, and besides, high school is not the end-all-be-all so many believe it is -- Connor does not leave. Evan should be worried, maybe, but he is mostly grateful. He isn’t ready to let him slip away that easily. Maybe he’s grieving in his own way.

“Connor,” Evan whispers one night into the darkness of his bedroom, and Connor responds, the way Evan knew he would, with a muffled, “What is it, dork?”

“Why are you still here?”

There’s a shuffling sound -- Evan can picture Connor tucking his hair behind his ear, fidgeting with the too-long sleeves of his sweatshirt, and it makes him smile a little -- and then Connor answers, “Why? You want me to leave?”

“No,” says Evan quickly, “but I thought I, you know, moved on. Like, found closure with you, or whatever. So why are you still here, talking to me?”

Evan can make out the silhouette of Connor’s shrug in the darkness. “It’s your brain. You tell me.”

Evan says nothing, feels the palpable silence settle over him like a heavy blanket. Connor sighs, softly, and shuffles closer to the bed. “Evan.”

“What.” Evan does not want to look at Connor. He is a memory, blurred at the edges, and Evan is terrified that looking too close will flatten him out like a sheet of paper and leave him with nothing but ink on the pages of hundreds of stupid emails from nobody, to nobody.

“_ Evan. _” And Connor’s hand is on his cheek, as if he’s trying to catch the tears hurrying down Evan’s face before they soak his shirt, but he can’t -- it’s too late -- he’s not here --

“Stop it!” Evan shoves his blankets off and swipes furiously at his own face. “You’re not real, okay? I’m sorry! _ I’m sorry _!” He is falling, spiraling down an endlessly dark hole, and scenes from the life he could have had are flickering like fireflies across his vision: the orchard, the tree, the cast, Connor’s voice, his hand, steady on Evan’s arm as he scrawls his name in obnoxiously large letters, what it might’ve sounded like to hear him laugh, how he might have smiled --

Evan dreams about Connor, about his hands and the unshed tears glistening in his eyes, and when he wakes up, his best friend is gone.


End file.
